Is it me?

Everything pisses me off these days. Well, almost everything. The office assistant getting my food order wrong can turn me into a time bomb! That's how pressured and stressed I have become; I am losing my smile...slowly, its fading. I am not exactly sure who I'm angry at. I know it's a waste of time being upset with God but I imagine being angry at Him sometimes. Am I angry at myself? Angry that I find myself in certain situations? Who or what exactly am I angry at? Are these issues within physical confines or spiritual realms? I find myself crying ahead of pending disappointments. Is it my prediction or were they meant to be? Where then, is the blessing behind these disappointments? Pain, in and out. For how long, I ask myself. How much longer can I still with all these thoughts, issues? What will be left of my sanity? To another man, it may be child's play; to me, they are the little drops that are forming and filling the ocean of issues drowning me. Dear Lord, where is your mercy in all of these? Have I not found it? Have I not sought it enough? Didn't I seek right? Am I worth it? Food has become a bore, what I once loved has become a chore. A little unrest here, a little issue there. Day by day, a callous stroke is drawn across the sheet of my mind. Peace, be my friend; don't dine with me at arms length. Embrace me, embody me. Where is my faith? In all of these, I ask myself always I don't know... Is this self pity? Maybe. Am I just wallowing in my issues and finding who to blame or should I be really concerned? "Look inwards" they always say. So I ask, is it me?

Hey girl! Quit Trying!!!

Hey gurl! Quit trying to make your man to act the way you want him to. He isn’t wired to act that way (if he actually did, he'd be considered a sissy). My point is a man is wired and configured to act only as men do and not as women want them to. For heavens sake, we are different! Women really need to understand that. If we did, things will be a lot simpler, I believe. So 4 you who think this is all theory, lets get practical. When a man and woman both say 'i have nothing to wear', the man means he has nothing clean while the woman means she has nothing new. Can you see the reasoning difference? Lets continue. When a man goes to work and comes home late, he loves his family so much and he wants to do everything to make sure his family is comfortable. For the woman, he doesn’t love her that’s why he keeps late nights. Women are relational while men are goal oriented. Women’s ego are built on their various kinds of relationships that’s why in most break ups or failed relationships, the woman is at the receiving end. But for the men, everything is seen as a goal or an achievement. When they don’t reach a target, their ego is bruised. Now that goal might be making a relationship work or getting work done. A guy and a gal watch a match together. The guy’s team loses and he is sad. The girl seeing him sad is asking ‘darling, did I offend you?’ A guy wakes up from his bed and doesn’t see reason why he should lay it since he would soon be back on the same bed, the woman feels he is too untidy and unkempt. A closed tap is trickling. The woman says its spoilt and should be fixed, the man says it needs to be closed properly. A woman wants love, a man wants respect. If a man don’t give a woman love, she wont give him respect and if a woman don’t give a man respect, he wont give her love! It’s a never-ending cycle. These are just few examples of the reasoning difference between men and woman. Trust me, the list is endless! This is not to permit some inexcusable acts from men but there are just some things that can’t change. You can’t use an iron to wash or a hammer to cook. That’s not what they were made for. #iamjustsaying

Dear God

Dear God,

Are you laughing at me? Laughing with me? Weeping because of me? Have I got it wrong? Am I going about it the wrong way? Am I doing it right? Is this your plan unfolding? I can’t make sense of what is going on. It starts and it stops. A light flickers and is snuffed out almost immediately. Is this supposed darkness actually light? Is the flicker only a ray of distinction? Distinguishing what it is supposed to be and what it is? People have given different versions of what it should be, they have argued their cases. They all have valid points but it comes down to what I personally believe. Unfortunately, I have to ask myself what I believe, cos right now, I don’t know Judgment clouded by fear, dreams veiled in insecurities. How then am I to see, to discern what I believe? You’ve called me your favorite, but I still feel alone. Am I not seeing clearly? Am I looking in the wrong direction? Are you purposely silent? Are you strengthening me? Teaching me trust? Trust which I have been robbed of, by people you have put around me, people I have dined with and called my own. Trust that was shattered and smashed into fine pieces. Very fine pieces. ‘Oluwa, ma fi ara pamo je mi niya’; this is my daily prayer. Dear God, is this the plan? Is it? Who’s list am I on? What should I be doing differently? Am I doing fine? Am I getting it right? Am I doing your will? Am I being who you want me to be? Am I being robbed of the me you see? Will it all piece up together at the end? Will the hurt, the pain, will it ease up along the way? Not many people have understood Your indescribable ways, but then it’s easy to stay laid back and be mistaken. Mistaken that it’s actually You in session, when we have logged out Dear God, are You there? Do You see my tears? Am I stressing myself or is it for a worthy cause that I shed them. You have surrounded me with great people. People who have stood by me, people who have loved me and who still love me. Why then do I feel alone in a room filled with people? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Like their love doesn’t exist? I forge through the day. I smile so someone else can smile too. I suck it up, I keep it in. In as much as I try to be that strong self-sufficient lady that I see people be, I’m reminded that that’s not who I really am. I need love, attention. I need to rant, like I’m doing now. This is how it is for me. And times when you tell me to be silent, I struggle. It’s like I’m groping in the dark. I’ve tried to keep it simple. My life. But it feels like I serve simplicity and I’m fed complexity. Dear God, all I’m asking is the plan. What is the plan? So I don’t derail, so I stay sane. So I can cut away all baggage. So I can focus. Pls, what is the plan? A glimpse of it. A teeny weeny bit will do, I suppose. For all my friends reading this, I’m fine, I think. It’s just a rant. An open rant to My Father. Maybe someone is feeling the same. It helps to know you aren't the only one. Dear God…peace and strength...peace and strength..