Dear God

Dear God,

Are you laughing at me? Laughing with me? Weeping because of me? Have I got it wrong? Am I going about it the wrong way? Am I doing it right? Is this your plan unfolding? I can’t make sense of what is going on. It starts and it stops. A light flickers and is snuffed out almost immediately. Is this supposed darkness actually light? Is the flicker only a ray of distinction? Distinguishing what it is supposed to be and what it is? People have given different versions of what it should be, they have argued their cases. They all have valid points but it comes down to what I personally believe. Unfortunately, I have to ask myself what I believe, cos right now, I don’t know Judgment clouded by fear, dreams veiled in insecurities. How then am I to see, to discern what I believe? You’ve called me your favorite, but I still feel alone. Am I not seeing clearly? Am I looking in the wrong direction? Are you purposely silent? Are you strengthening me? Teaching me trust? Trust which I have been robbed of, by people you have put around me, people I have dined with and called my own. Trust that was shattered and smashed into fine pieces. Very fine pieces. ‘Oluwa, ma fi ara pamo je mi niya’; this is my daily prayer. Dear God, is this the plan? Is it? Who’s list am I on? What should I be doing differently? Am I doing fine? Am I getting it right? Am I doing your will? Am I being who you want me to be? Am I being robbed of the me you see? Will it all piece up together at the end? Will the hurt, the pain, will it ease up along the way? Not many people have understood Your indescribable ways, but then it’s easy to stay laid back and be mistaken. Mistaken that it’s actually You in session, when we have logged out Dear God, are You there? Do You see my tears? Am I stressing myself or is it for a worthy cause that I shed them. You have surrounded me with great people. People who have stood by me, people who have loved me and who still love me. Why then do I feel alone in a room filled with people? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Like their love doesn’t exist? I forge through the day. I smile so someone else can smile too. I suck it up, I keep it in. In as much as I try to be that strong self-sufficient lady that I see people be, I’m reminded that that’s not who I really am. I need love, attention. I need to rant, like I’m doing now. This is how it is for me. And times when you tell me to be silent, I struggle. It’s like I’m groping in the dark. I’ve tried to keep it simple. My life. But it feels like I serve simplicity and I’m fed complexity. Dear God, all I’m asking is the plan. What is the plan? So I don’t derail, so I stay sane. So I can cut away all baggage. So I can focus. Pls, what is the plan? A glimpse of it. A teeny weeny bit will do, I suppose. For all my friends reading this, I’m fine, I think. It’s just a rant. An open rant to My Father. Maybe someone is feeling the same. It helps to know you aren't the only one. Dear God…peace and strength...peace and strength..